How To Get Rid Of Mice, Roaches, Spiders — Oh, My!

Dead of night. Blanket curled up to your chin. Sweet dreams.

Until something tickles your nose.

Perhaps a piece of hair? A feather? You swipe away the annoyance. Fall back to sleep. Then it happens again. But this time, it’s more persistent. The piece of hair or feather seems to animate and crawl on your face.

Creepshow (1982)

You bolt awake! The thing isn’t merely crawling, it’s clinging to your cheek. You scream as you swat the thing off your mug. Then you feel something burrowing in between your legs.

You somersault out of bed. Flick the lamp on. A three-inch, hairy roach scrambles on your bed. You’re revolted as you hammer the critter with your slipper. But the damn thing won’t die. You have to sledge it several times.

Finally, splat! The cockroach has stained your sheets. Now you have to change them. So much for a good night’s sleep. Even when you try to go back to sleep, you can’t because the memory of that thing crawling on your pristine face haunts you.

At last, your biological need for rest dominates your fear of being molested. Except something squeaks. You try to ignore it. You convince yourself it’s coming from the hallway.

But you can’t fool reality — the reality that the squeaking is inches from your bed. You turn on your lamp once again, but this time it’s not roaches but mice skittering on your wooden floors.

It’s amazing how quickly they move. You know there are a few under your bed, hiding in the darkest recesses. You think of every weapon at your disposal. A broom? Maybe. But that would require you to get out of bed and confront them head-on.

Welcome to NYC. Welcome to dirty neighbors. Welcome to the jungle.

Not anymore, my friends. Wanna get rid of mice? Adopt a cat. Or, ask your neighbor who has cats to give you some of the dirty cat litter. One problem: Cat litter will get rid of mice, but not the roaches or the other creepy-crawly — spiders!

What, then, will get rid of all three? PEPPERMINT OIL!!!

Product has been personally tested and approved.

All you have to do is buy genuine, 100% peppermint oil and sprinkle a few drops on cotton balls. Scatter the balls all over your apartment. You’ll see instant results. Mind you, you have to help out the oil by doing the minimum, like washing dishes, storing food away from reach of critters, dusting, mopping, general cleaning, scrubbing the bathroom… eh, foughettaboutit. Who’s got time for any of this?

Whoa, wait, there’s a simpler solution. Get a small spray bottle, fill it 3/4 with water, then add a liberal amount of peppermint oil and voila! you will have yourself a veritable machine gun. Just spray the mixture in all the places critters hide. Not only will you have a pleasant scent in your apartment, but it’ll shun all the pests.

No f-f-f-foolin’… oh, oh, oh oh! (Kudos if you guessed the band.) And where can you buy 100% genuine peppermint oil? Drug stores, vitamin shops, essential oil shops, etc.

But, by God, please don’t buy it through an online retailer. Help out your local mom-and-pop that desperately needs your business. I mean, walk a few blocks; get some exercise; help out a small business.

-Written by TheBong-

Click on a tab to select how you'd like to leave your comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *